For my WIndhoek friends and followers.
Love and light
For my WIndhoek friends and followers.
Love and light
I finally did it.
I edited my blog into a website and added some pages about Reiki and Distance Reiki healing.
Additionally I opened an online store via Facebook, as I cannot integrate a store on this side – yet.
Please be so kind to share this with your friends or just feel free to contact me or comment on the different pages.
I am anticipating your replies.
Thank you for sharing my passion.
Love and Light to all.
Lately I am working a lot more on my iPad. I just downloaded the WordPress app and feel drawn to write a little update.
So let’s see what is new around here.
First of all I am off my Prozac like medication (again…) and it feels great. On Thursday the mark of counting climbed to 2 years and 4 month. Nearly 2 1/2 years,since my son Matthias gained angel wings and I had to give my best every day to survive. It was not easy and we experienced lots of ups and downs, as the followers of my blog can recall. (Any first time readers, please feel free to scroll to my posts and add your lovely comments and if you like what you see, please follow me on my journey)
The all over situation here is more or less ok. I’m feeling a little depleted nowadays, I kind of lost all my zest and energy concerning my job in the kindergarten. I’m trying to figure it out, but cannot come to any solution.
I so thought this job would be the optimal one, a permanent one, my life purpose, the children. Why do I feel I have to move on again? Am I overdoing my motto
“Do what you love / listen to your inner voice” too seriously? Aren’t there situations you should ignore it for the practical issues, like I have a secure income and the working hours and holiday times are very convenient? I’m lost here. What more do I want? Is it only a spur of a moment feeling, because my energy reserves are depleted? Fact is there is a change in management to come, which I am uncomfortable with. Is this a reason to my unhappiness? Is this reason enough to give in? Or should I ignore my inner voice and think reasonable?
Another fact is, my family and some friends would freak out, if I would quit. This is for sure. They have seen me bloom in the last 1 1/2 year since I have started this job. They would not understand it at all and will for sure convince me to stay. This it what makes it so difficult for me. They have seen me happy and content in the last year. It was a huge step back into life for me and I guess also for them. Seeing me being “happy again” must have helped them on their ways too. And I am grateful for that. We deserved that all together after this tragic accident. To finally see a tiny bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
But what is the big picture behind all this? The signs and messages I receive from Matthias are that he died to help me on my way. To gain more knowledge about what really is. He died to show me the path to the Universe. To see the truth. To open my narrow minded consciousness. Just like Jesus did. He died for me so that I can rise above the believes we were taught throughout our whole lifetime. Starting the second we were born. And forgetting our true abilities. To forget who we really are, what we really are. Love and light.
This is Matthias’ mission. This was his first message to me, when I turned my unbearable grief towards the Universe via taking Reiki sessions shortly after he died. It didn’t make so much sense then, but I am surely must have been more conscious now to see behind the veil to understand the full meaning of all there is. And I feel obliged to take on Matthias’ offer with all I am.
Actually this erases out all my previous question above. How wonderful writing your thoughts down can turn out. It always amazes me how inspiring writing is. And the immediate messages you are getting afterwards.
Now all makes sense again.
This doesn’t mean that I will quit head over heals now. I have to let patience and time work for me. And I have to trust and believe and remind myself daily to be grateful for all I have. In time the right doors will open for me and I will see new opportunities coming my way abundantly in all 7 areas of my life.
I thank my beloved son Matthias for all he has done for me and for always putting me back on the right tracks. And I thank the Angels for helping me to be patient, which is not my biggest attribute, and to trust my inner voice and never forget to just believe in miracles.
Love and Light to all of you
I feel it is time for another post.
It is maybe the 20th time I am starting a new post, but I am always procrastinating, another coffee, another cigarette ect and then there is no time for it anymore.
Maybe I am also searching for the right words, for something powerful to say. And I guess this time is now.
Recently my stepfather also went back to Germany for good. He never said goodbye to us and usually I would be kind of angry about it, but something in me changed. I am not, ok my husband is, but that is not my monkey, not my circus. Nice saying, I often read this on fb lately and I am trying to use this words to make me feel better, when something occurs, or better say to stay out of negativity.
First of all I want to address my stepfather now, before I explain why I am feeling that something had changed me, my behavior or looking at certain things, situation with different eyes.
I have to do this now for the highest good of all involved, but especially for the healing of myself.
I am not beating around the bush now, I just say what is on my mind, before I procrastinate again.
I know that we had our differences in the past and we never came along very well sometimes. But not everything was bad. I remember our little outings through the Stadtwald Lippstadt on Sundays or the walk through the Trim Dich Pfad. Every Sunday we went to visit our grandmother and had coffee and cake at her home. In the evening, when we went home, sometimes we stopped at the Eisdiele and we all got a treat, and sometimes we just stopped at Salvatore and got pommes and Currywurst. This was always a delight for me. Whenever we went shopping on Fridays we kids could spend DM 2 each to buy us some sweets, chips or cool drink. Sometimes when you came home from work you had an surprise egg or Springbrause for us. Just to name a few impressions I remember now. And most of all, we always had a nice roof over our heads, we had enough food and a warm bed and blankets. And you never ever hit us. This is more than a lot of other children have nowadays and I want to thank you for that now.
When I was in trouble during my 2 1/2 years in Germany, you send me my mom to comfort me. Maybe you did the best you could with 3stepchildren and we tried to do our best as well. Maybe this was not enough sometimes, for me, for you. But nevertheless it was the best we could at that stage.
So here again I want to thank you for everything you did for us in the past and I want to let the bad memories rest.
I wish you and my mom all the best for the second start. Look after her nicely as she is the best mom ever…..
I am so sorry that your mom died and you never had a chance to see her again. I only have good memories of her….
Whenever I had to visit my doctor after Matthias died, he said that I should try and ask Jesus for help, for answers and he said he will pray for me and my family. A year later, I met a wonderful colleague at work and after a few weeks I found out, that she belongs to the same church as my doctor. Recently, after I had back problems and needed physiotherapy, the lady send me an SMS after my first session, that she wants to pray with me for healing. When I went to her again she took my hand and started praying for me and my family. She also belongs to the same church as the other two beautiful people. I do believe in God and the angels, but never was a keen church goer. My colleague invited me to come with her to church one day and I will go with her in time. She also gave me a bible as a gift. They all belong to the Agape church. I am actually Roman Catholic. But what I have read and heard about this church and people is wonderful. I started praying to Jesus to help me, to come into my heart and I am feeling better than ever now. All the modern holistic books I have read actually reflect the words we can find in the bible. And a lot of positive proverbs and saying do also. No matter how we call it, God, Jesus, angels,and all the different names of other religions, fact is there is a higher power, the universe whatever. And if we believe in it, we will feel better, we feel save, we feel appreciated, we feel good.
We feel loved.
First of all you have to forgive yourself, start loving yourself and the rest will come to you like magic.
Stop your karma now by forgiveness. Be grateful for every little thing in your life. Have compassion for others. Do how you want to be done upon yourself.
I hope, no I know that I stopped the , no I turned the circle of life into the right direction by writing this post, at least what my family concerns and this I have learned by the spirit of Matthias.
As I have said before, these words are hovering in my mind for a long time and whenever I thought about writing this post, I got a sign from him.
A few weeks ago on a Saturday, when I came outside a white dove was sitting in our drive way. When I went inside to get the camera it was sitting in a tree nearby and stayed there for a few days. A few days later it was there again. And even at work in kindergarten the white dove flew over the playground one day, when I was upset.
Yesterday when I was thinking about to write this post, a tiny little feather was twirling before me for a minute or so, before it landed next to me on the floor. I picked it up and put it in the cellophane bag of my cigarette box, but unfortunately I threw the packed away, before I could take a photo and save it into my little treasure box with all the signs from heaven. Maybe I can get it out later, if it is not so far down into the garbage already and make a photo for you.
So I will look into my heart now for my higher self, for Jesus, for Matthias, whenever I feel all the monkeys are bothering me again(not my monkeys not my circus) to find my balance again, my peace, myself and let the ego disappear and only find love and compassion for me and for all people concerned for the highest good of all.
NEVER JUDGE PEOPLE WHEN YOU HAVEN’T WALKED IN THEIR SHOES !
Love and light
I haven’t read the post through again, so if it is a little bit deurmekaar or got writing errors in it, please forgive.
So here we are again, April again,and my beloved son would have turned 23 on April 14th. But he will be forever 21.
It is 2 years now, nearly 2 years now, he died a month after his 21st birthday, on May 25th 2012.
And so much has happened and changed since then.
We moved again, Frank is in Germany, trying to find a decent study place in the area of Stuttgart and Ralph started working and is more or less happy.
Seems our life is going on, or let me better say it started over, anew.
I should be happy and grateful, as I am flying to Germany in 1 week, but I am not. At least not happy .Why?
I want my old life back.
My life with Matthias on earth.
A happy, content family.
I don’t want to live this life.
I want to be happy again.
I don’t want to pretend anymore. Pretend that I am strong, ok, fine. I don’t want to be 2 persons in one anymore. One who pretends to be happy to make the rest of the world happy.
And one, when alone, so broken and sad, the Mom who is missing her child so much.
One who wants to take the heartache away from the two remaining kids on earth, who might be only pretending as well, that they are feeling good. Just to protect me.
I want our old life back !!!!!
I thought that I am ok and maybe I am sometimes, but at the moment I only feel sad, unhappy, worthless, ungrateful,crazy.
I am only sitting around staring into space and smoking a lot, only when I am alone.
I cannot even say it is tasty or becomes me well. For instance soothing my nerves or helping me to lose weight, but I do. (this is where the craziness comes in).
I am doing things I always disliked. And the things I liked, for instance cooking for my family or having a huge Sunday morning breakfast with the whole family are out since Matthias is gone.
I haven’t really cooked a supper for my family, like I used to do. And we are not having Sunday mornings breakfast anymore, except when we have guests. I haven’t read a decent book and cannot find comfort in doing any arts and crafts anymore, which helped me through the first year after Matthias died. And which I posted a lot here on my blog.
It feels like I am starting at point zero again. I just want to go away and be. Sitting alone in the mountains in a little hut, doing what I want to do, writing, relaxing, staring into nature and just be. Without any worries about others. Just be. And that is where the ungratefulness comes in.
I have a great husband and 2 other kids here with me, why can’t I find comfort in caring for them like I used to? Cooking dinner for them, baking cakes for them? Having fun with them? Being there for them like I should be and used to be? They are all I have now and my reason for going on. But I feel like I am failing for not being there for them as much as I used to be.
On the other hand I know that this is totally crap. I know that we are going through the tough time together, everyone in their own way, that we love each other, but it is not enough for me anymore. I know that, but I cannot feel it as much as I am trying. I cannot find a positive thought, making me feel better at the moment.
And I hope that this is only the time, the dates coming up now, Matthias’ birthday and his second death anniversary, making me feel sorry for myself and that I will be able to pick myself up again and go on with this two personalities of me. The one who wants her old life back, who wants her son back on earth, but mostly wanting her old personality back and the one who has no other choice than to live this life now for the sake of her family, for the sake of her own good.
Fact is when your child dies your life is being separated into two. One before the death and one afterwards. And I must find my way again to live with both. And after pouring my heart out again here on my blog I feel a little bit better and can see the silver lining at the horizon again.
Fact is I lost a lot. A son, a life, some friends and family, who I feel avoiding me, because of my new life, my new personality, my new me.
Which I did not choose, but have no other choice than to make the best of it.
But I also gained a lot.
A new life, or let me better say a different life.
With people getting closer to me than before. Who take and accept me as I am now.
Some are old friends, some are new friends.
And as I said before. I did not choose this. But I have to accept it. And so does everybody else. And we have to make the best of it.
Because it is our destiny.
And I am grateful for everybody who helps me along the way and being there for the different me now.
Lots of love
love you my son!!!!!
When I was on a lodge
Matthias loved afrikaans music as much as I do.
On our way to the lodge I heard afrikaans music and the lyrics kept spinning around in my head.
Sitting quietly outside my bungalow, I tried to write down what I was feeling.
Here are a few words, for all my afrikaans music loving friends and family.
ek sit hier alleen en elke grashalm sing jou wysie
elke voeltjie sing jou lietjie
ek is daar by jou
ek sien jou in die groen van die bos en my hart is vol
ek hoor jou fluister
ek is daar by jou
ek sien jou in elke wonderlike skoonlappertjie
wat rond om my vlieg
en ek weet
jy vlieg saam
hoog hoog bo die donker wolke
wat my hart laat staan
en my lewe duister maak
tog my engeltjie vlieg hoog
verby die donker wolke
en jy vat my saam in die lig
laat die sonstrale weer in my hart skyn
wat vir my se
ek is daar by jou
in elke reen druppeltjie
in elke sonstral
in die vars lug na die reen
is ek daar by jou
en ek voel my hart is vol
vol vrede en tros
vol van liefde van jou
ek is daar by jou
roep die wonders van die wereld
ek is daar by jou
en my hart voel lig
en die donkerheid verdwyn
vlieg hoog my kind
vat my hart saam
en wys my die lig
wat alles beter maak
Ek weet nie of all die woorde so geskryf word, maar dit is nie belangrik, solank ek en jy weet, wat ek bedoel
vlieg hoog my kind, vlieg hoog
my hart is vol liefde, vol van jou
Reading a facebook post today saying:
trying to see the positive site of life is not so easy
got me into thinking.
I always “preach” the positive thinking, re-post positive quotes, reading and collecting books about positivity like
The Secret and the sequels thereof
Doreen Virtue’s Angel books
Dr. John F. Demartini books
to name a few of my favorites.
And of course everything my dear friend Jutta Dobler writes.
But Am I living it as well as I “preach”it?
I thought so, but lately there are a few things bothering me a lot.
And this is the problem. Should I name it? Should I tell it? Or should I find a different approach to it? Is it only my Ego speaking, wanting to hurt me? Or is it just me, the whole me, body and soul, who is telling me to get it out, so it can start healing again?
After a few weeks of consideration and reading the sad post on facebook today, I feel obliged, by what or whoever, but I feel I have to write about it. and so be it.
Where do I stand here? After nearly 22 month since my beloved son Matthias died?
I have been on and off Prozac or equivalent to it, which made me gain over 15 kg. After my latest breakdown in April last year, I had to take double doses to cope. I am off Prozac since November last year again, started smoking instead, to get rid off the restless legs/ panic attacks feelings, which I still get in the evenings. Or I started smoking instead of eating my way through this awful feelings in the evening, to avoid more weight gain. And to try to reduce my weight.
Why? I always say it is not the outside but the inside what counts!!! And still people with their thoughtless comments about being overweight, being on a diet, not eating what they actually love to eat, just to stay thin and unhealthy!
Yes, unhealthy, not being overweight is unhealthy, being too thin is also unhealthy and an addiction. At least in my opinion.
Still I am trying to lose weight and cannot find out, if I am doing it for myself or just to please people, to avoid their comments and the way they look at me.
Or is it just the way I perceive it? Take on their views of it?
I am not doing only unhealthy things to lose weight, but also trying to eat and drink healthy food. I am trying to adapt the vegetarian diet and want to achieve to be a raw food eater. Drinking a lot of lemon water, eating and drinking coconut oil (a teaspoon full into coffee is very delicious) and trying to adapt healthier and cheaper ways of cleaning my house, e.g. vinegar and baking soda.
What about exercise? Good question. I am trying, but I finally realised that the trauma and all the medication had an effect on my physical body. Not that I was an exercise freak before, but sometimes I feel as if I am years and years older than I am actually am. I cannot get up out of a chair without experiencing joint pains all over. My feet hurt, my knees hurt, my back hurts.I guess a side effect from all the Prozac? Or is this true, that a huge trauma can change your DNA overall? Please comment on this subject, if you have heard about it or experienced it as well.
And still, my answer to the question:
How are you?
And it seems, that is the answer some people are glad to hear. They expect it to hear. Oh, she is on Prozac, she should be fine…..so we can go on with our lives. Be it in person or via social media…..the people want to hear a lie, or so it occurs to me. Why would they ask then a question like that and be happy with my answer?
I could tell them over and over again, that I am not fine. I could tell them about my aches and pains, but do they actually want to hear it, or is it me, who does not want to get cut off, by their answer and avoid the truth:
Oh yeah, I also have this and this and this…..
I know that they care, but still I feel offended some times. Not understood. Being alone.
Even if I am emotional on a good track, I love my work with the kids, it keeps me going. My own kids are keeping me going. I can live with the loss of my son now, but this does not mean, that I will ever, ever forget him, will forever miss him, will ever and ever have the missing piece in my heart. Will forever be hurt by the loss of my child and the ignorance of some people around me, who I feel, treat me as:
Oh, Prozac, good she is fine, we can go on. No need to be there for her anymore, Prozac will do that job now.
Maybe I am wrong about that and as I have said, I know that certain people really care, but they do not show it to me. Or I cannot longer see it.
Maybe that is also only my perception of the situation.
I tried to figure out, if this is only my ego speaking and a few times I could turn it off before, but as it comes up time and again, I needed to tell it today.
My kids are the only hold I have and I will forever stand behind them and do whatever I can to make them happy.
I work really hard and so does my husband and we spent and forever will spend all our money on them. We did this before the accident and we will continue it now. Money has not the same grip on me as before the accident anyway. But this is hard to understand for some people. And actually I feel I do not have to explain myself here.
I am glad that my eldest son studied for 4 years and did not graduate due to the trauma of loosing his brother. Some say waste of money. I say, you cannot take the knowledge away, or give knowledge to someone due to a piece of paper.
I am glad that he got the offer of his best friend’s father to work for them in the panel beating/spray-painting department, to learn it from scratch.
Even if this is not what he had studied.
I am so grateful, that he is “back”. Alive, happy in his own way.
That is all that counts for me, not the lost money I have spent on his studies or that he has no graduation papers. I know what he is capable of and I need no more proof to just show off to the world.
My youngest son is in Germany at the moment, doing temp work for a year now, earning his own living. He is still looking for the right profession to learn.
Some call him to have an attitude and that he should take whatever comes his way.
I say, I am proud of him, not doing so, even if it would mean to pay all my money into his bank account to cover his monthly costs.
He has more or less a dream what he wants to achieve and to become, so he should go for it, even if he has to say NO a few times to opportunities, which would not be his dream carrier, but would earn him money.
So let him have an attitude, but he knows what he wants and lets nothing else stand in his way to reach it, just to please other people.
And this is called courage.
I have no fat bank account behind my name, but I would give all I have to him, in order to help him reach his dreams. And also for his big brother.
I do not ask rent or grocery money from my kids.
I do buy them clothes on my account.
I fill up the petrol tank for them and I am so grateful for every year they still spend at home with us.
This is not payable by any amount of money!
I will buy my child a ticket to come home for Christmas from my bonus every year, even if it means that I could not have a holiday on my own. To be with my son means more to me than money at the bank or a holiday at the beach.
Spoiled? Cannot work with money?
The well-being and the presence of my kids around me are all I need to live. And I so bitterly know, that money cannot buy everything. Even paying for a medical aid for years, couldn’t bring the ambulance, who might could saved Matthias’ life, in time to the accident scene.
In return I am getting all their love. And if they are unconditionally happy, even for a short time, gives me another step back into live. My kids are everything to me. And unconditional happiness is so rare in our lives since Matthias died, that we have to treasure it more than all the money in the world.
Where does this bring me back on the positive track again?
I guess it is still the fact that counts:
It is not the things people do or say to you which are hurting you, but your own perception of it.
But on the other hand:
Don’t do just to please others.
Speak your mind, carefully, and I hope I did here, to get a clear conscious again and to go on then.
The secret is to find the balance in all of it.
I have told what was lying heavy on my chest for a long time and while writing this post, my migraine was healed miraculously.
Feel free to take out of this post whatever you need along the way, or just ignore.
And for the writer of the starter facebook sentence:
Don’t be so hard on you. It is fine to have a bad day once in a while and hang out in sentimental and melancholic avenue, just make sure you turn out of it into the middle way again. Lots of love.
Love and light
Feel free to visit my Reiki Website here
Actually I should do some serious writing (some documents for work tomorrow). But after I did some digging and planting in the ground today, I feel so alive and full of energy, that I want to share this with you.
Digging and walking barefoot in and on earth is grounding energy.
Here is a lovely link where you can learn more about grounding techniques. And how you do it actually every day without being aware of it, at least before you have read this article.
These are the result of my planting and digging today.
All covered with bougainevilla twigs,in order to keep the dogs out. Hope it will help……
I even infused the planting process with Reiki to help it grow beautifully. Will update on results soon.
Have a lovely week ahead.
Love and light
Valentine’s is around the corner.
As I have recently started to give distance Reiki healing sessions, I am offering a 3 for one special during the whole of February 2014.
BE DIFFERENT AND TREAT YOUR LOVED ONES TO SOMETHING SPECIAL THIS YEAR. REIKI, A MASSAGE FOR BODY AND SOUL! OR GIVE YOURSELF A TREAT AND FEEL THE UPLIFTING, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE REIKI WILL LEAVE IN YOU AFTER A SESSION!
Just book one of the different distance Reiki healing sessions on my website during February 2014, mention Valentine’s special and receive 3 sessions for one.
more info : firstname.lastname@example.org
Please feel free to share or re blog this to help the loving energy Reiki has to offer to spread throughout the world and beyond.
Thank you for all your love, comments and shares in the past.
Have a lovely Valentine’s.
Love and light
The first month of 2014 is nearly over and I went back to work this week.
My son Frank went back to Germany yesterday and we are more or less back into our daily routine.
Routine I thought, how boring. So I decided to do something about it. Change the daily routine as easy as that.
Easy? Yes, just change your daily habits, I thought.
What is a habit? I once read that if you do something continuously for 21 days it becomes a habit.
So one of my habits is to set the alarm for a specific time in the morning, but when it gets off, I press snooze once or twice, before I actually get out of bed and into the shower. I could easily change that to setting the alarm to the precise time I need to get up and jump out of bed straight away, couldn’t I? I could even take a bath instead of a shower.
And when I am done in the bathroom, running into the kitchen to make coffee, I could brew some tea instead. I am not eating breakfast in the mornings, So I could start doing it, or I could implement some running on my trainer before taking a shower or do yoga for half an hour.
Changing your routine or habits sounds easy, but why aren’t we doing it? Why are we clinging to the same old habits day in day out and moaning about them?
It all has to do with willpower. And this is tricky. If I for instance set the alarm precisely to 5.15am getting up straight away, instead of 5 am and snoozing a few minutes, I would lose a few minutes of comfortable snuggling and dreaming before emerging into the real world, which for the moment is sort of rewarding to me. So I need to reward me for getting up straight away after the alarm went off?
Could be the answer. But what could the reward be for getting up immediately?
And isn’t it falling from one habit into another?
I am a little bit confused here.
Maybe a bad example, but this is exactly what I want to change!
Getting up early. Getting some exercise. Shower or taking a bath, before the next exchange of habits could take place.
Drinking tea instead of coffee, eating or drinking (I am juicing lately, only my juicer and food processor broke simultaneously last week) breakfast and driving a few minutes earlier to work than I would need to. Meaning arriving relaxed and doing things consciously.
What would my reward be for this?
I would be more composed. Have less stress. Could have a few minutes me-time in the mornings, just sitting outside listening to the quietness. Starting the daily routine with a calmer me.
Shouldn’t this be reward enough?
I will keep you informed about this, maybe on a weekly base. Could be another change of action, couldn’t it?
What would you change in your daily routine, just to make your day a little bit brighter for the rest of the year?
Why not trying Reiki to relax, stay healthy and get rid off bad habits?
So lets do it.
Get some changes done and be proud of ourselves for having a strong willpower.